My precious little loves,
I love you so much and I miss you more then words can ever come close to saying. I will always be grateful for every minute we've ever had together and I'll always be thankful for the honor of being your mom. It was a gift I'll always cherish. Do you remember the eggs and the chicken butt and the neighbor? That was so funny, I remember we all laughed until we had tears coming out of our eyes and our sides were hurting because we couldn't stop laughing. I remember everything. Everything God has done for us while you were alive and the many blessings he bestowed upon us. I remember the snow, I remember that Christmas with the presents for you guys and the over whelming amount of chicken. We gave so much away. I'll never forget that. I told God I couldn't understand... I spent your entire lives trying to protect you's, keep you safe and free from harm and keep us together and look where it got me. You 3 went to heaven and the rest of the family got torn apart while I got ostracized in and out of the church with hardly any help or answered prayers and all I did was wake up and try to get you guys out of the house that night. I don't know my darlings, so much I don't understand about that night, how and why it happened to begin with. They say an "Act of God" because they said it was lightning although the investigators thought it was "you know who". I know nothing happens without God's permission. I read the book of Job enough times to remember everything it says. I think because I know God's word so well is why it's been so hard for me. God said he would not see the righteous forsaken nor his seed begging bread... need I say more? I'll never understand whyeverything went down the way it did and how things spiraled out of control. I don't know.. the questions and wonderings are endless. I guess God saw a reason not to answer my prayers to keep us together and safe for whatever reason only he knows.
Please remember I am always thinking of you! Life without you is very difficult for me but I try to push through each and everyday knowing someday we'll all be together. When you left my heart broke and has been ever since. Although God blesses me with an amazing husband and an amazing life the pain still resides everyday. I keep a lot of my emotions inside because the world doesn't understand something they simply have not experienced. But my hope is in God knowing he will bring us all together one day. Sometimes I feel as though I can't go on but somehow God keeps me going another day and gets me through. A million questions run through my mind as to the why's, the how's and what if's and I wish I did this, I wish I did that, I wish I knew this, I wish I knew that, I would have done this differently or that differently. You know the how the scenarios go. I know nothing can change the fact that your home now and I know you're safe. I know you're happier there and people like "you know who" can't hurt you anymore, dismiss you or put you down anymore. Although that man thinks he's going to heaven, I know God wouldn't allow anyone in who has a black heart that enjoys to seek and hurt, put down or destroy anyone in anyway, so at least I know that person will never be a problem for you ever again.
I always wondered since that night, when the angels came to take you home, did you choose to leave here? Did you want to stay? Although I don't blame you for choosing to leave this world, it's still very hard. I have found this world be to be very cold and cruel. It took you leaving to see how cruel this world really can be and how people are quick to judge and throw their opinions before knowing the facts. Where love runs short and hatred runs on and on... I have many sleepless nights thinking of you, your laughters, your hugs, and the way you used to pick on each other or how we all used to sing together, laugh together or just talk about how we felt or about our dreams and how we would cover the world for Jesus!
Jeremy, You once said; "I don't think God wants us to be happy, look at everything we've been through!" and that was before the fire. I sometimes think that maybe God had better things for you there, or there are things he need you guys to do that he only wanted you guys to do.
Christian, I remember how you laid your head on my lap as I stroked your hair. You looked up at me and gave me the sweetest smile. Now, I have no doubt you are smiling now. You came to me in my dreams saying; "I'm not happy because you're not happy!" and you got up and walked away. I wish I could change that but there are so many things left, unsaid, undone, unresolved, unanswered, unclosed. But I believe God will fix all that so my heart can heal and you can be happy too! You always said you were the "Dreamer of Dreams" I believe you still are and always will be.
Jessie Joe, I remember the morning you told me you had a dream that you were fighting demons and you won. You said you handed their swords to God along with yours. I knew something wasn't right in my spirit but I didn't know what so I immediately started to pray. I'm sorry but if I knew it meant you guys leaving this world, I would have fought heaven and hell to keep you here. I'm sorry if that's selfish, but what mother wouldn't? What mother wants her children to leave home, let alone this world at any point? No parent ever wants to out live their children.
I felt the realization of how JOB felt in more ways then one. I've had countless dreams of that night trying to save you guys. I've awaken to explosions in the middle of the night for a long time and still do on occasion. None of this makes sense to me and maybe it never will while I'm stuck on this rock. Sometimes I think it's better I don't understand because I don't want to be angry and I don't want a reason to be upset with God. For a long time I felt as though God abandoned us because of that night and what followed... but somewhere deep down something kept telling me not to give up on God regardless of how it looks. It's been said; "The teacher is always silent during a test." Well, I learned that couldn't be more true, at least for me anyway. It seemed the teacher was silent for a looong time. But regardless, he is God and does what he wants regardless of how we feel about it. I used to think that God was moved by emotions but if that we're the case, you 3 would still be here and a certain other person wouldn't. But, that's why he's God and we're not.
Life has not been the same since you've been gone and for the most part it's been a complete nightmare for me with the exception of the last year I've been married to Robbi. For the first time in my life I met someone who is as much in love with me as I am with him, and it's nice. He's not like "the one you knew" He does not put others down, abuse or destroy other lives and he doesn't use what he can to gain power, control or manipulation. He doesn't use God's word for his own agenda and he loves and obeys God. He is truly a mighty man of God, but I'm sure you know that.
The thoughts that go through my mind everyday can be over whelming but it's something you just can't help. For so long I've felt as though I no longer had a purpose on this earth. You 3 were gone, tom lied to take Harley then laughed and tormented me for years. Zach is grown now with his own family and Jimmy is grown doing his own thing and at least Jimmy still loves God. (I can't speak for Zach) For so long prayers weren't being answered, in fact the more I prayed the more difficult things got and no answers came for so many years. I definatley know what it's like to feel alone in the world until Jimmy stayed with me for a while which was truly a blessing. Everything that happened really messed my head up a lot. People kept saying God turned his back, it was punishments or it didn't look like God defended us. I later also learned that the chemicals that were released that night from when the walls were burning caused physical damage to my head. I was diagnosed with Giant Cell Disease which can be very painful from time to time with no warning. Well, although it looked and felt that way.. I come to learn that it wasn't punishments, he didn't abandon us and as far as defending us... well, he is now. It may be 9/10 years later.. but better late then never, right? People thought I was crazy or on drugs when I would tell them about what happen. Other people said, "Impossible!" It's been a very long hard road for me and I've had to drink many bitter waters. But I have to believe that things are better now.
I wrote a book called "Broken but not bent" can you believe it? Me.. writing a book about hope so other people can know there is hope, even when it don't seem like it! Everything felt like such a cruel joke for so long I didn't know if I could. I didn't know how someone like me could write a book about hope when I, myself couldn't find or see any. But when God brought Robbi into my life and we started to talk, I started to see a glimmer of hope and since we've been together... hope is alive again. So you'll be glad to hear I have hope again. I feel as though I now have a purpose in life again. You'll be glad to know that God has been using Robbi to teach me how to laugh again, smile again, do music again and live again. I've learned so much since you've been gone. I've learned things that are good and some things, maybe not so good because it changed my views and beliefs on a lot of things. But I thank God for everything he has and will do for me, your brothers and sister and Robbi and I. I'm grateful for anything God does...
After all.. when you've lost everything, you're grateful for anything.
I'm not sure what you're aware of things here on earth but Robbi signed me to his record label. He said the Lord told him to. He says he loves, likes and believes in my music and in me. There are plenty of artists and musicians here all the time and everyone is so good. I don't feel as though I'm liked as much as the rest when it comes to music and I'm sure no one intends to make me feel that way but it's just how it's been. Robbi has plenty of jobs, projects and other music ventures he's working on. I'm happy to have my husband as my producer because it makes me feel secure and protected. James Rosas is helping produce the song your brother wrote called "An Illusion's Dream". At least I didn't give up completely on my music yet like you asked.
My heart wonders about many things. I'll be happy when I sing in heaven, I know I won't feel like I'm not good enough because I don't think those kind of feelings exist in heaven. I believe everyone is as good as God wants them to be and none is better then the other because it's done with love for God. I wish those kind of negative feelings didn't exist here but, unfortunatley.. they do. I've always dreamed of doing music when I was your ages and I certainly tried for many years but I guess you can say, life happened. I'll sure be glad when Jesus comes. He said there isn't any sorrow, depression or anything like that up there. That will be nice because sometimes I have a very hard time getting through life. Since I was little, I've had to fight really hard for the basic things in life. Such as.. a mother's love, a dad's defense, favor, blessings or just being happy. I know the happiest times of my life were while you kids were alive and with Robbi. The rest... I try to forget. I always felt that as long we were together all was well with the world. We loved God, we were serving him and doing all that we knew to do and felt we were to do. Then when you 3 passed on, my life and world was destroyed. And Dreams? Any and all dreams I had for you's, us and myself were destroyed but since Robbi and I have been married God has been using Robbi to bring those dreams back although it's been a rough go of it because I have issues because of everything that's happened but Robbi has been loving and supportive for me.
There are not enough words that can come close to telling you everything that's in my heart or on my mind. There can never be enough words to tell you how much I love and miss you. I found a song that somewhat describes how I wish I can see you...anyway, it's called "One More Day" by Diamond Rio, here ya go...
(It's not Robbi's Song because Robbi is far better... but this will have to do.)
Until I see you again... Remember, I love you!
A Letter from a child in heaven