My precious little loves,
I love you so much and I miss you more then words can ever come close to saying. I will always be grateful for every minute we've ever had together and I'll always be thankful for the honor of being your mom. It was a gift I'll always cherish. Do you remember the eggs and the chicken butt and the neighbor? That was so funny, I remember we all laughed until we had tears coming out of our eyes and our sides were hurting because we couldn't stop laughing. I remember everything God has done for us while you were alive. I remember the snow, I remember that Christmas with the presents for you guys and the over whelming amount of chicken. I'll never forget that.
I told God I couldn't understand... I spent my entire life trying to protect all of you,, keep you all safe and free from harm and keep us together as a family and where it got me??? You 3 went to heaven and the rest of our family got torn apart, I got ostracized in and out of the church with hardly any help or answered prayers and all I did was wake up and try to get you guys out of the house that night.
I don't know my darlings, so much I don't understand about that night, how or why it happened to begin with. They say an "Act of God" because they said it was lightning although the investigators thought it was "you know who". He cussed me out because the investigators kept following him every where and I didn't even know it was happening until he yelled at me for it. I know nothing happens without God's permission. I read the book of Job enough times to remember what it says. I think because I know God's word so well is why it's been so hard for me. God said he would not see the righteous forsaken nor his seed begging bread... yea well.... maybe that was meant for someone else, who knows. I'll never understand why everything went the way it did and how things spiraled out of control. I don't know.. the questions and wonderings are endless. I guess God needed you more there, then here for whatever reason only he knows.
I am always thinking of you! Life without you is very, very difficult for me but I try to get through each day knowing someday we'll all be together. When you died,a big part of me died too. The pain still resides everyday but I keep a lot of my emotions inside because for so long I had no one to talk to and it just became a way of life for me. Besides, the world doesn't understand something they havn't experienced, so nothing they could say would help, so what's the point? Sometimes I feel as though I can't go on but somehow God keeps me going another day. A million questions run through my mind as to the why's, the how's and what if's and I wish I did this, I wish I did that, I wish I knew this, I wish I knew that, I would have done this differently or that differently. You know the scenarios... I know nothing can change the fact that your home now and I know you're safe. I know you're happier there and people like "you know who" can't hurt you anymore, dismiss you or put you down anymore.
I always wondered since that night, when the angels came to take you home, did you choose to leave here? Did you want to stay? Although I don't blame you for choosing to leave this world, it's still very hard. I have found this world be to be very cold and cruel. It took you leaving to see how cruel this world really can be and how people are quick to judge and throw their opinions before knowing the facts. Where love runs short and hatred runs on and on... I have many sleepless nights thinking of you, your laughters, your hugs, and the way you used to pick on each other or how we all used to sing together, laugh together or just talk about how we felt or about our dreams and how we would cover the world for Jesus!
Jeremy, You once said; "I don't think God wants us to be happy, look at everything we've been through!" and that was before the fire.I remember that night when you said that, I felt the same way, but I didn't want you discouraged so I told you that I'm sure God has something good for us. I sometimes think that maybe God had better things for you there, or there are things that he only wanted you guys to do there.... Idk.........
Christian, I remember how you laid your head on my lap as I stroked your hair. You looked up at me and gave me the sweetest smile. Now, I have no doubt you are smiling now. You came to me in my dreams saying; "I'm not happy because you're not happy!" and you got up and walked away. I wish I could change that but there are so many things left, unsaid, undone, unresolved, unanswered, unclosed. But I believe God will fix all that so my heart can heal and you can be happy too! You always said you were the "Dreamer of Dreams" I believe you still are and always will be.
Jessie Joe, I remember the morning you told me that you had a dream that you were fighting demons and you won. You said you handed their swords to God along with yours. I knew something wasn't right in my spirit so I immediately started to pray. I'm sorry but if I knew it meant you guys leaving this world, I would have fought heaven and hell to keep you here. I'm sorry if that's selfish, but its honest! What mother wants her children to leave home, let alone this world at any point? No parent ever wants to out live their children. It's not supposed to be that way!
I felt the realization of how JOB felt in more ways then one. I've had countless dreams of that night trying to save you guys. I've awaken to explosions in the middle of the night for a loooong time and still do on occasion. None of this makes sense to me and maybe it never will while I'm stuck on this rock. Sometimes I think it's better that I don't understand because I don't want to be angry or upset with God anymore than I am. For a long time I felt as though God abandoned us because of that night and what followed... but regardless of how it looks. It's been said; "The teacher is always silent during a test." Well, I learned that couldn't be more true, at least for me anyway. It seemed the teacher was silent for a looong time. But whatever, he is God and does what he wants regardless of how we feel about it so what difference does it make? I used to think that God was moved by emotions but if that we're the case, you 3 would still be here, we would all be together and a that other person wouldn't have gotten away with everything. But, that's why he's God and I'm not.
Life has not been the same since you've been gone and for the most part it's been a complete nightmare for me with the exception of the last year I've been married to Robbi. For the first time in my life I met someone who is as much in love with me as I am with him, and it's nice. He's not like "the one you knew" He doesn't use God's word for his own agenda and he loves God but I'm sure you know that.
The flashbacks, the thoughts that go through my mind everyday can be over whelming but it's something you just can't help. For so long I've felt as though I no longer had a purpose on this earth. You 3 were gone, tom lied to take Harley then laughed and tormented me for years after. Zach is grown now with his own family but wants nothing to do with any of us or God and Jimmy is grown doing his own thing and at least Jimmy still loves me and God. (I can't speak for Zach or Harley) For so long prayers weren't being answered, in fact the more I prayed the more difficult things got and no answers came for so many years.
I definatley know what it's like to feel alone in the world until Jimmy stayed with me for a while after he turned 18 which was truly a blessing. Everything that happened really messed my head up a lot. People kept saying God turned his back, it was punishments or it didn't look like God defended or protected us. I later also learned that the trailer was old that when the fire happened it released asbestos from the wall that caused physical damage to my head because the trailer was so old. As a result I was diagnosed with Giant Cell Disease which can be very painful from time to time that hits with no warning. People thought I was crazy or on drugs when I would tell them about what happen. Other people said, "Impossible!"things like that don't happen to God's Children. Yea ok........ It's been a very long, hard road for me and I've had to drink many bitter waters.
I wrote a book called "Broken but not bent" can you believe it? Me.. writing a book about hope so other people can find hope. Everything felt like such a cruel joke for so long I didn't know if I could. I didn't know how someone like me could write a book about hope when I, myself couldn't find or see any. But Robbi and I started to talk, I started to see a glimmer of hope and since we've been together... hope is there somewhere I'm sure. I still don't know what my purpose is, but I'm trying. Robbi to helping me how to laugh again, smile again, do music again and live again. I've learned so much since you've been gone. I've learned things that are good and some things not so good because it changed my views and beliefs on a lot of things. But I thank God for anything he has and will do for me, your brothers and sister and Robbi so basically I'm grateful for anything God does... People say I've changed, Yea.. I guess I did.
I'm not sure if you're aware of things here on earth but Robbi signed me to his record label. He said the Lord told him to. He says he loves, likes and believes in my music and in me. There are plenty of artists and musicians here all the time and everyone is so good. I don't feel as though I'm liked as much as the rest when it comes to music and I'm sure no one intends to make me feel that way but it's just how it's been.but at least I didn't give up completely on my music yet like you asked.
My heart wonders many things. I'll be happy when I leave this planet, I know I won't feel like I'm not good enough because I don't think those kind of feelings exist where you are. I wish those kind of negative feelings didn't exist here but they do. I've always dreamed of doing music when I was your ages and I certainly tried for many years but life happened. I have a very hard time getting through life. Since I was little, I've had to fight really hard for the basic things in life. Such as.. a mother's love, a dad's defense, favor, blessings or just being happy. I know the happiest times of my life were while we were all together. The rest... I try to forget.
I always felt that as long we were together all was well with the world. We loved God, we were serving him and doing all that we knew to do and felt we were to do. Then everything happened my life and world was destroyed. And Dreams? I don't have any more but I do my best each day and do what I feel I'm supposed to do.
There are not enough words that can come close to telling you everything that's in my heart or on my mind. There can never be enough words to tell you how much I love and miss you. I found a song that somewhat describes how I wish I can see you...anyway, it's called "One More Day" by Diamond Rio, here ya go...
(It's not Robbi's Song and I like Robbi's better... but this will have to do.)
Until I see you again...
A Letter from a child in heaven